So today is my birthday…I officially turn 35 today and I should feel happy today. I feel happy and blessed to see another birthday but I also feel a sense of sadness, failure, depression, and anxiety.

Yes I know I mostly write about anime but stick with me here. Being 35 I definitely pictured my life looking a little more different and I’ve been fighting back tears since yesterday. For a bit of a life update I lost my job back in April. It didn’t come as a shock to be honest but it still sucks. Especially when it comes to todays current economy and looking for a job these past few months have also been very tough. So far I haven’t had much luck and the constant rejection emails take a toll on my mental health when it comes to me feeling like I’m failing.

I have been able to look on the bright side when it comes to this though since I’ve been able to do more content creation and I’ve started to find my passion with that again. Plus I have a great support system that has been helping me such as my husband, family, and friends.

But still the dark thoughts continue to creep in. The same thoughts of failure and also the same thoughts of feeling like I’m being punished. On top of losing my job my husband and I have been trying to start our family. With no success….yet.

At this point we have been trying for almost 3 years and still nothing. We have been to a fertility specialist and did 2 rounds of IUI with no success. I won’t explain what that is so please look it up if you need to. That sent us to look for more answers as in the cause and it’s possible I may have a condition called endometriosis which can make conceiving difficult. This led to the option of IVF which is very expensive like 35,000+.

My husband and I were going to start that process but then lost my job so for now we just continue to try and see what happens. While I’m also researching teas and other things I can do that may help. This has caused me to have a weird push and pull of like do we continue to try while I’m not working? Is that irresponsible of us to do? I just have so many questions and no answers.

So this birthday I’m filled with just feeling so depressed and anxious. Anxious about getting older, anxious about whether or not I will be a mom, and anxious about finding a new job. Also top that off with me just feeling forgotten about and lost. Feeling like I’m annoying to people and also just wanting to be alone.

I enjoy recording videos since it allows me to focus on other things but that only lasts for a short amount of time before the stress comes back. I’m praying that things get better and I’m praying that things change. I also have faith that things will change. But right now it’s hard for me to be positive and I always try to look on the bright side of things.

I know this post is running long so if you stayed to the end thank you for reading. Also I’m doing okay so please don’t worry this was just a rant and rambling from someone that just needed to get this out. Just continue to check on your loved ones and please love yourself!

Okay I’ll be back to more anime content this week so no more tears!